My boyfriend recently broke up with me. He confessed that he has been battling an addiction to orgies and couldn’t show up for our relationship in the ways I needed him to. Basically, he uses drugs and logs onto Grindr or Sniffies to find sex parties.
He is into the kink of anonymous breeding. He bottoms and likes to take and “tally” as many loads as he can. Sometimes these “breeding sessions” last an entire day.
I have found your podcast and writings to be helpful when it comes to understanding certain kinks, and I’m wondering if you have some specific insights on this anonymous breeding kink. My questions specifically relate to the experience of the bottom, e.g., the person being bred and taking. I numbered my questions for you:
1. Why is being anonymously bred exciting?
2. Any ideas on the psychology behind wanting to be anonymously bred? Specifically, the “no loads
refused” mentality?
3. Why is the idea of tallying/counting loads exciting to the bottom? What is the significance of having a running tally written on the body of the bottom with a marker?
4. Why are blindfolds common to this kink?
5. What are the dangers and what safety precautions would you urge a bottom to take?
I am, of course, concerned about my ex and his drug use and I have offered him what help and emotional support I can. But learning about his kink threw me, and I want to understand it better.
— Seeking Enlightening Educational Download
Before I answer your question, I wanna enter this into the record: Sexual interests and kinks are personal and subjective and one person’s ultimate fantasy is another person’s worst nightmare.
For gay men of my generation, the association between getting bred and suffering an early, protracted and punishing death remains a powerful boner killer. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW: We have a daily pill now that protects HIV-negative men from infection and HIV treatments so effective the virus literally can’t be detected in the bloodstreams of HIV-positive men and undetectable equals untransmittable and there’s even a “morning-after pill” that helps prevent the spread of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia. Taking anon loads may not be the death wish it was in the late 1980s and early 1990s, but for men who remember when it was, the vibes aren’t good.
Lots of gay men who came of age with PrEP and U=U are content to take a single, solitary load from someone whose first, last and middle names are known to them. And some gay men aren’t into penetrative sex at all. These men, aka “sides,” wanna blow loads on and near hot guys, not in them.
With that said — I’m willing to say — I get it.
I’m a gay man, gay men love dick, some gay men binge dick. And the things people point to when condemning and/or pathologizing anonymous group sex — the objectification, the dehumanization, the mitigatable-but-interminable risks — are precisely what turns some people on about anonymous group sex. (We are objects, being human is exhausting, danger is exciting.)
And it’s not just gay men who find orgies exciting. Gay men may have an easier time arranging orgies for all sorts of reasons (hookup apps, men are sluts, less cause to fear sexual violence), but it’s not like we invented orgies or hold the patent. A lot of women love dick, and some of those women fantasize about being the center square of a gangbang. (And some of those women — with the help of trusted partners — get to live out their cumdump fantasies.)
Okay, SEEDS, I shared your numbered questions with a man who enjoys the same kind of sex your ex-boyfriend enjoys — only he doesn’t need drugs to do it and being a cumdump doesn’t interfere with his ability to form relationships. While he’s active online, he didn’t want me to link his social media to avoid getting dogpiled and shamed. So, we’re going to call him Football Jock Bottom…
1. “Deep down we are animals,” Football Jock Bottom said, “Men are animals that need to come, and we need to come a lot. And I find it hot to be able to provide that service to other men. They love it: no bullshit, come in, get your nut, and go about your day. I’ve taken loads from all types of men: single and married, young and old, big and small, fem and masc, cis and trans, out and on the DL. That moment when a man is thrown over the edge and can’t hold back anymore is the hottest thing in the world to me and I get to experience that moment multiple times when I am taking loads.”
2. FJB didn’t address this question in his emailed response. But if someone is turned on by taking as many loads as possible in a single session or over the course of a lifetime, having a “no loads refused” policy makes obvious sense, doesn’t it?
3. “I don’t write ‘cumdump’ on myself or use tally marks — that’s not my thing,” said FJB. “But tops in this scene are constantly asking how many loads you have in you already. If you don’t have enough, some will wait until you’re sloppier to stop by. For some guys, it just feels great to have a warm gushy hole wrapped around your cock.” And, really, nothing says “gushy hole” like ten or fifteen tally marks.
4. “I don’t ever wear a blindfold — and most of my friends don’t either — but I do like to wear my football helmet which creates the ‘anon’ for me,” said FJB. “Taking vision out of the equation allows me to focus on the feelings and sensations of getting fucked. Also, being an equal opportunity cumdump sometimes means taking the load of someone you don’t find conventionally attractive; thus, a blindfold can help make it enjoyable for the bottom from that sense.”
5. “Dangers and precautions are things we don’t talk about enough,” said FJB. “Aside from the biological risk of taking many raw loads, there is a physical safety risk. You are exposing yourself to potential harm from bad actors. I’m a big dude; if I feel threatened, I stand up and show my size. But it’s important to let a friend know where you are and what you’re doing and have them check in with you. I recommend using discretion when chatting online — and if someone gets aggressive over text, they will probably get aggressive in person. I also avoid men who are under the influence of meth.
“Besides that, it’s imperative to have a kink friendly doctor who will arm you with all of the vaccinations and medications you’re going to need. PrEP, doxyPEP, routine testing, all vaccinations including flu and COVID. I haven’t had an STI since April 2022 and I haven’t suffered any long-term health consequences so far. But like anything, it’s important to practice moderation. Doing this right and doing it as safely as possible requires a lot of work and careful planning — but it will always carry risk.
“Finally, like this reader’s ex-boyfriend, I used to feel like I couldn’t do this and be in a relationship. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love because I was a cumdump. A couple years of therapy and honestly getting into fisting showed me how to have truly intimate moments with men again. No one should tell himself he’s not worthy of love just because he likes having dudes nut in his ass.”
I wanna thank Football Jock Bottom for sharing, and I want to quickly address the elephant in the room and/or the pipe in the mouth and/or the powder around the nostrils: your ex-boyfriend’s drug problem.
Someone who needs to obliterate their inhibitions with drugs or alcohol in order to enjoy something, SEED, is almost always doing that thing wrong and/or doing it for the wrong reasons. I believe our bodies are our own. They belong to us — or they should — which means they’re ours to use, ours to share, and ours to use up. If this is how your ex-boyfriend wants to use his body (or have his body used), that’s his choice. But if he can’t be used like this without both abusing and blaming drugs, SEED, he’s not living his best life and enjoying crazy kinks. He’s destroying his life and engaging in acts of self-harm disguised as kinks.
Send your question to [email protected]. Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love