Cis-het dude here in my 30s. I’ve had to spend several multi-month periods away from my wife over the last couple years for work. During the last long separation, I started writing letters — long letters, horny letters, emotional letters and lots of smut. I sent notebooks filled with horny letters and erotic short stories, drawings and elaborate choose-your-own-adventure-style pieces. I let her in on some of my kinks. (I know, Dan: I should’ve done this when we first started dating but I wasn’t listening to the Lovecast then.)
As it turns out, she’s pretty vanilla, and she asked me to pull back on the kink. I obliged. I’m not great at talking about my feelings and desires, but I can write them down. Not everything was horny — I sent love letters, not just lust letters — but I never get much of a response.
I guess the issue here is that I feel like I’m not getting much back. Should I put my kinks (mostly subby stuff with me as the sub) back in my stories, or does that come across like I’m trying to pressure her? We’re going to be back together full time for the next couple years. I love the heck out of this woman — that’s why I married her — but it doesn’t feel good to be the unreciprocated lust letter writer.
— Boy Overconfidently Oversharing Kink Stories
“First of all, one cis-het bloke to another, a big bloody well done on the beautiful and creative outlet BOOKS found and explored and here’s to making space for sharing, vulnerability, and playful kinky discussions,” said The Funny Dom, the pen name of a 44-year-old Daddy based in Melbourne, Australia. A long-time kink practitioner and educator, The Funny Dom has been “holding light-hearted (but stern!) space” for doms, subs, and switches online since the start of the pandemic.
“Unfortunately, I’m thinking BOOKS transformation from a not-very-comfortable-speaking-about-feelings-and-desires guy to something like a coked-up-Aaron-Sorkin-like pen pal may have overwhelmed his partner.”
You say it wasn’t your intent to make your wife feel pressured, but it sounds like she feels pressured, BOOKS, and it sounds like you actually are disappointed she hasn’t responded in kind and embraced your kinks.
“I totally understand that BOOKS is feeling a little underwhelmed by the lack of reciprocation here,” said The Funny Dom. “That’s only human. But he’s gotta remember that no one asked him to cook this five-course meal. You gotta discuss tastes, appetites and menu options before playing chef. Kink-dynamic wise, sending someone smut and possible scenarios for play that place your partner in the dominant role — without clearly ascertaining whether that’s what they want — is a form of manipulation you often see in relationships that have been essentially vanilla but now one person wants to explore kink.
“BOOKS shouldn’t put the pen down,” said The Friendly Dom, “but he should keep the writing for himself — start an anonymous blog or write for a smut lit erotica type platform — and then, when he’s home, have a face-to-face conversation with his partner how he’s feeling and, most importantly, how she’s feeling. If not, well, BOOKS needs to take that into account before spending the next umpteen years together. Fundamental kink compatibility is vital to a functional relationship.”
My last relationship collapsed because my ex-boyfriend needed a sexual performance I could not deliver. Everything else was spectacular, and we really did love each other, but I’m one of those rare gay men who insists on monogamy. (We do exist, Dan.) Which means I couldn’t agree to him exploring domination and degradation with other men.
We had excellent vanilla sex (both vers) and he said he was satisfied, but he kept asking for my permission to get dominated by other men. I felt I had no other option than to end our relationship.
I read your column and listen to your show, Dan, so I know my ex-boyfriend didn’t choose his kinks to sabotage our relationship. I did, however, hope that exploring them though porn and fantasy would be enough for him, but it sadly wasn’t. It’s two years after the breakup, and I am happy to report that we are friends. He’s been seeing someone for six months and it’s getting serious, and his new boyfriend dominates and degrades him in ways I simply could not because I loved him too much to do things like that.
I still have love for my ex and want what’s best for him. It’s very hard for me to interact with his new boyfriend knowing how he treats my ex. It has hard for me to see their relationship as a loving or healthy one. Do I say something to my ex? I want to start by saying, “I’m happy for you, but….” But what comes after the “but”?
— The Loving Vanilla Ex
Here’s what you say to your ex: “I’m happy for you.” No “but” — just a period.
Zooming out: BDSM and Dom/sub dynamics don’t do anything for you. So it’s not that you couldn’t do these things with your ex because you loved him too much to dominate or degrade him — it’s not that you’re too loving and virtuous for that shit — it’s that you don’t wanna to do these things with anybody because those things don’t make your dick hard.
I’m gonna assume that like most vanilla vers gay men, TLVE, ass fucking makes your dick hard and ass fucking in the context of an intimate relationship feels loving and healthy. But let’s say you weren’t into ass fucking and someone decided to fuck your ass anyway. You wouldn’t experience ass fucking under those circumstances as loving; you would experience ass fucking under those circumstances as violence. Well, just as you’re capable of experiencing ass fucking as a loving act because you love having your ass fucked by someone who loves you, your ex-boyfriend is capable of experiencing domination and degradation as a loving act because he loves being dominated and degraded by someone who loves him.
Consensual BDSM, Dom/sub play, erotic humiliation: not for you, you don’t get it, you don’t have to do it. But hundreds of millions of straight people — maybe even billions — don’t see how one man fucking another man in the ass could ever be a loving act. They don’t get it. And luckily for you, the people who don’t get it don’t get to tell you how you’re allowed to love your next boyfriend, TLVE. And you don’t get to tell your ex-boyfriend how he’s allowed to love his current boyfriend.
I’m having a weird reaction to someone I’m involved with. I find myself wanting to punish him for the slightest transgressions and scold him or give him the silent treatment until he apologizes. The poor guy hasn’t done anything very wrong — nothing wrong wrong — he’s just failed to meet my unreasonably high expectations for him.
To make matters worse, we seem to have fallen into some sort of roleplay, verbally at least, where I order him around. He seems to want me to punish him and give him orders. I’m doing both, but I’ve never been a dom or had a sub or whatever it is we’re doing. Honestly, I’m confused about what we’re doing, but he seems to be inviting it somehow. How do I navigate this?
— Problems Understanding Nuances In Situationship Here
“This situation reminds Me of the kinkster classic Secretary,” said The Funny Dom. “It’s a fascinating look at a dom and a sub who don’t fully understand their identities or how to pursue the dynamic functionally. It’s sweet and hot watching Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader fall into a problematic spanking scene, but in real life we know better.”
“It sounds like these two have developed a kind of dom/sub dynamic,” said The Friendly Dom. “PUNISH should think of it like a particular kind of dance they’re both loosely following. And while it’s all well and good for her to say he’s inviting it, it takes two to tango.”
Maybe your boyfriend already knew he was a sub when you met and he’s subtly training you to dominate him — by rewarding the punishing behaviors he wants to see from you — I’m guessing your boyfriend is just as confused about the dynamic you’ve stumbled into as a couple. But since you seem to enjoy punishing him, PUNISH, and since your boyfriend seems to enjoy being punished by you, this sounds less like a problem and more like the beginning of a beautiful (and very hot) relationship.
“It’s obvious from the way PUNISH and her boyfriend respond to each other’s behavior that D/s resonates for both of them,” said The Funny Dom. “They have a real opportunity here to explore a big juicy part of their identities. But to take those steps, they need to have a conversation about the moves they’ve both been pulling — and what those moves mean to them — and then discuss whether they’d like to pursue this dynamic further. And if so, how they can pursue it mindfully.”
One of you needs to say, “Hey, what are we doing here?”, and since you’re the one who wrote to me first, PUNISH, I think you’re the one who needs to say it. And if you’re concerned about where this is heading — if you’re worried about this dynamic escalating in ways that make you feel uncomfortable about your actions — identifying what it is you’re doing and will help contain it. Right now, PUNISH, you’re punishing your boyfriend and kindasorta hoping he likes it as much as you think he does; once you’ve talked about it, you’ll be able to punish your boyfriend confident that likes what you’re doing. And remember: this conversation isn’t just about identifying your boyfriend’s limits as a sub, PUNISH, it’s also about identifying your limits as a dom.
“To start the conversation, they can watch a decent kinky movie together,” said The Funny Dom, “something like Secretary or Love & Leashes — a much less problematic and even sweet depiction of a male sub dynamic — and then talk about what they liked, what they didn’t like, and what, if anything, reflected what’s happening between them. They can also grab a how-to book — and there are many — and look for a kink class or workshop to attend together and independently.”
One how-to book you might want to pick up and read with the boyfriend: The Funny Dom’s Guide to Kink (Vol. 1 and Vol. 2), which is available now.
“PUNISH and her boyfriend — really, all couples who interested in kink — need to remember that kink is a big, big, hot, transformative, messy, wonderful adventure,” said The Funny Dom, “and it shouldn’t be done in a non-conscious vacuum, folks.”
In other words, PUNISH, you gotta talk about it. Or as we like to say here at Savage Love, Inc., you gotta use your words.