We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
Was Boulder ever actually cool?
Wait, are you saying that being unable to go into Wonder without seeing the filming of a cringe Instagram Reel by someone wearing “spiritual gangster” on their boobs isn’t cool??
Coolness is all relative, especially when it comes to time. That bra-less, free-spirited Boulder momma who painted goddesses and banged groovy, beardy dudes while stoned out of her gourd on homegrown in the ’70’s? She’s basically a slumlord, and she just raised your rent with barely legal notice. But hey, sometimes she’ll share a toke with ya after an unannounced property inspection, and that’s pretty cool, right?
What about that guy who, back in the Good Old Days™, would go trad climbing in Boulder Canyon followed by pushing aside the aisles of Alfalfa’s with some hippies to throw the most righteous dance party in history? Actually, he’s a ranger working for the county who gave me a ride back to campus from Cherryvale and Baseline years ago (true story!) and told me about said righteous dance party, and how he and his wife are now hardcore birders. As long as he persists, so does Boulder’s cool.
When do the deer turn into elk?
Oh yes, the sweet Rocky Mountain mule deer. Timid and mild mannered, slender of leg and feeding as they wish on veggies. Sometimes, because nature is cruel, an aimless deer will stumble across a Joe Rogan interview, which leads to a Paul Saladino podcast episode, which leads to performatively masculine displays of antler jousting and obnoxious bugling at families enjoying their Sunday in Estes Park: They have become deer’s toxic cervid cousin, the Bro Elk. If you listen closely, you can hear they’re actually screaming about the evils of processed food.
I was asked this as a teen in Estes working at Outdoor World.I did indeed fuck with the tourists who posed this question, telling them that they usually turned right after Labor Day, when said tourists would be back in TX, AR, MO or NE.
If Boulder is so liberal, why is no one protesting anything?
Um, we do not tolerate QAnon lady erasure here! But okay, if we accept the very shaky premise that Boulder is sooo liberal, I guess it’s just tooo perfect here to protest anything 🙂 Those odd folks who’ve been out with the cardboard anti-war signs every Saturday at Broadway and Canyon for years surely can’t count. I mean, “Don’t Bomb Iran”? What is this, the ’80’s? Absolutely nothing happening in the world right now would lend that message any urgency, right??
Why do people in r/boulder have such strong opinions on the food here?
Just take out “on the food here” and you’ve got yourself the real question. The r/Boulder subreddit is a dark place where you should only venture if you absolutely need to know what all those cop cars are doing around the Hill. (It’s probably what you thought.) If you combined the unfounded self-confidence of a mediocre white man to whom God gave too much tall with the miserable energy of a woman whose too-tight Lululemon leggings are riding up, like, ALL the way in there, you’d have the average commenter on the r/Boulder subreddit.
You know who does have the time to form nuanced opinions on the ranking of white-people tacos in Boulder (bartaco, obviously)? People who don’t get laid. Think about it.
Is it too soon to plant my seed starts?
Buddy, it was too late to plant those seed starts a week ago. Picture this: You and your partner are at your bi-monthly couple-dinner with your Boulder yuppie couple friends. You slyly announce that your (hand-built) raised bed has just been weeded and fertilized and is ready for planting. Across the table, Robert softly laughs and sips his JuneShine hard kombucha. “We planted our second beet succession two weeks ago.” You fucking hate Robert. Get those seeds in the ground ASAP.
Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email [email protected] with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”